Light_Aura's Xanga

Consciousness in Consumerism

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 21:42:03 GMT

Currently playing: Second Life

For some obscure reason, Justin tagged me with a "think about what you buy" survey. I find this highly ironic, because he is usually with me on my shopping trips. But to prove to him that I do, in fact, read his blog, albeit not daily, I suppose I shall respond.

I'm sure others find it ironic that I post a survey, but not a real post. I'll get back to that one of these days. ;)

The purpose of this meme is to inspire some reflection about how we shop and what we purchase. The idea isn't that consumption itself is somehow bad, but that we all could probably stand to put a little bit more thought into what we buy. And, of course, it's supposed to be fun. So here goes!

Pick a recent shopping trip -- for clothes, shoes, groceries, doesn't matter. The only guideline is that it will be easier to play if you purchased at least a few things. Now tell us, about your purchases:

1. What are you proud of?
I am proud of the fact that, though I was only intending to look, I only purchased three volumes of manga instead of the five volumes behind I had fallen in a few series, and the more volumes I would have purchased with spare time and money.

2. What are you embarrassed by?
I am embarrassed that I couldn't just buy one volume. But I'm not too embarrassed, because I rarely buy things impulsively, and I do not even remember the last movie I saw in the theater, or the last play I have seen. I figure it evens out. ;)

3. What do think you couldn't live without?
Well, food obviously. I could live without electricity and gas (both heat and the vehicle-running kind), but it would be a strain. And I enjoy living in an apartment as opposed to a ditch. Cell phones -- I could probably get by without a phone, but why do that to myself? I enjoy being able to connect to people, including my friends and family, and my residents would get annoyed if they didn't have a means of contacting me. And I would have had a heck of a time getting my laptop picked up by the delivery service to get it taken to be repaired. I could live without internet, but why deprive myself of simple pleasures? And besides, I save more money in the gas (and the time) I would use driving to school to check my email regularly than I would just having the internet service. I feel it is a justified expense.

4. What did you most enjoy purchasing?
The second volume of Hibiki's Magic. I wasn't expecting to see it on the shelf, and I was ecstatic to find it.

5. What were you most tempted by? (This last one may or may not be an actual purchase!)"
I was tempted by the remaining volumes in Tezuka's Buddha series. I was probably more tempted by Never Give Up. But I was most tempted by the two volumes of Magical x Miracle I had somehow missed in releasing, and on those, I gave in. And it was a good thing, too -- I was shocked to discover it was the conclusion of the series. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Now tag 5 others!
Eh, I'll tag people, but feel free to ignore it. Jenn Miller, Chase (though I expect I know your last purchase, lol), Wes, Melissa, Manna.

The Joys of Time Off

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:12:07 GMT

It was a very good decision to take this rotation off. I was hesitant about taking off during pediatrics, since it is a rotation I've really been looking forward to, but it was the best decision I could have made.

I'm sitting here, listening to classical music, playing with my adorable (though still sick) cat. Last night, I went to bed at 9:30 pm. I didn't get up this morning until 8:30 am. My apartment, though still cluttered, is significantly more livable. Sunday, I watched movies with Justin all day long. We're cooking dinners together and enjoying movies -- we're getting to enjoy being married in our relatively new apartment with our relatively new kitten, with the fresh air of the rapidly approaching autumn blowing in. The kids at the school across the street laugh and play, and Justin and I read together. It is a much needed break from rotations.

I talked to one of my friends in the pediatrics rotation yesterday. He seems to be enjoying it. But as I listened to him talk, I realized I didn't regret my decision. It is a nice time off from the wards. Everything is working out.

Tomorrow I train to help with a College of Pharmacy OSCE -- I'm going to learn how to pretend to be a doctor. And they're going to pay me $13/hour.

I have to get my tires on my new vehicle replaced. Yup, already. One of my tires was flat on Tuesday, and all the tires are worn. But I have time to replace them, and since they were going to need to be replaced anyway, it's good they are being replaced during my break from rotations. And I was able to go to buy a license plate the other day, pay my taxes on the car, and visit my 'rents besides.

Justin and I are thinking about driving up to visit Brandon in the next few weeks, in our sweatshirts and long-sleeves. What fun.

Life is good.

Poor neglected requests.

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 03:09:09 GMT

Jenn and Manna asked me to post seven random things...a very long time ago.

1. I didn't like hot tea until Justin made me drink it his sophomore year, before we were actually dating. I drank it because I had a crush on him, and because he really did make good tea. I should have known then that he was destined to be a Starbucks barista.

2. I have a CD of Diablo II sitting on Justin's computer desk which is now half mine. I told out said CD when I was putting in CDs of wedding pictures. I played Diablo II in Farris Hall, and I enjoyed it. But I'm scared to start playing it again because it becomes addictive, pointing and clicking.

3. I often avoid the computer because I know I will waste far too much time when I'm on it. Like I'm doing now, for instance.

4. I told Justin I'd go to sleep in just a minute nearly an hour ago. Evil mind-sucking computer.

5. I have developed a hatred of exams in medical school. It's a shame, because I used to actually enjoy them (I was an odd one).

6. I miss watching Spike. The Buffy character, not the TV station. Though I do like the TV station. I might watch Fool For Love tomorrow. Today, Justin asked me where Buffy held a job. I was slightly abashed when I said "the Double Meat Palace" without even blinking.

7. I was wishing I had a correction white-out dispenser today, and I just now looked on the computer desk and realized one has been sitting there this entire time.

Jenn also asked me to post eight things you can't possibly know about me, or some such meme. While I'm going, I'll go ahead. If you've gotten this far, I give you permission to go do better things with your life, if you'd rather.

1. I love notecards. Flashcards have helped me learn a lot of information, until med school, when I ran out of time to make flashcards. But I still use them furtively every now and then.

2. I wish I had time for dance lessons. I thought about taking them for this eight week period, but I guess it'd be kind of weird to only take them for eight weeks. I've always wanted to dance, even though I feel self-conscious.

3. I'm a humanities person pretending to be a science person, as Justin loves to remind me.

4. I used to draw manga characters, but I'm scared to try to draw again, because I'm afraid I've forgotten how.

5. I have always felt older, pretending to be younger, ever since I was little.

6. I like wearing my hair up, but I've never taken the time to learn how to do the cute up-dos.

7. I like buying clothes and new clothing styles, but I'm too cheap to do it very often. Usually someone has to talk me into buying something.

8. When I get really tired, I end up staring, my mind completely blank. It's kind of like stepping outside of myself, for a moment. When I come back to myself, it's always disorienting -- like my perception is somewhat lessened.

Yay woot. Finished the online surveys. I'm scared to log on to the forum because I have too much to catch up on, especially on a late Friday night. It's time for bed.

Catching up.

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 14:36:19 GMT

So I have been...ahem...encouraged to post on xanga. So this is me, posting on xanga. *grins*

Let's see...life has been crazy busy lately. Here's my other weblog, which I also neglect (I'm an equal opportunity neglecter): http://lightaura.blogspot.com It's intended to be more of a medically-oriented blog, so I don't bore everyone on here with long posts about medicine. But it's pretty limited, and intended to be more academic than personal, so that's why I keep this one.

My grandmother passed away from her pancreatic cancer about a month ago, now. Her family was there by her side. I went up on Wednesday night, and she passed away on Sunday afternoon. She had slipped into a coma on Wednesday, but I got to see her the weekend before, for one last time where she was still communicative. I only ended up missing two days of my rotation, and then one day of the next one for the funeral. I was glad to be able to be there for my family.

My other grandmother fell and broke her pelvis about a week or two ago. The first idiot of a doctor told her to go home and stay in bed for four to six weeks with no DVT prophylaxis...because an 86-year-old woman who is put in bed for six weeks will walk again, sure, if she manages to go that long in bed without infected pressure sores and a blood clot that travels to her lungs and might kill her. *rolls eyes* But they called her PCP at UAMS the next morning, and he was understandably angry, and he had her admitted to UAMS. They evaluated her to see if she would need a plate placed . They decided the broken area was not a weight-bearing area, and she could do fine without surgery. So now she's in rehab at St. Vincents.

Justin and I moved again. They raised the rent on the townhouse, and though it wouldn't take effect until November, I'll be in surgery at that time, and we wouldn't have been able to move. So we went ahead and transferred into a one-bedroom apartment. We like it a lot better. We are just now getting time to get it in order though. Unfortunately, Justin tore his rotator cuff when he helped move the piano upstairs to the new apartment. I love the piano. But Justin hasn't been able to go to the doctor yet, because his insurance has yet to kick in. But otherwise, the apartment is fabulous.

I replaced my poor Civic, which the insurance company totaled. I now am the owner of a green 2001 Saturn three-door coupe. It's a cute car. But so dirty from the dirt student lot at UAMS. I've only had it for two weeks or so, and it's filthy. I hope today's rain will clean it off a bit. I'm going to get it registered today.

Lots of other stuff has been going on, in the two months since I've posted. And while it's been a trying couple of months, married life is good. I never knew how much I'd like being married. It's not that much different from dating. Except now we get to be together and connect like we did in college. It makes me happy.

Oh, my poor car.

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 20:03:32 GMT

I was in an accident. I'm okay. No other cars were involved.

But my poor Lancelot, my shining white night. He protected me from harm, but to his own misfortune.

I was driving from my CPR re-certification to Jacksonville to pick up a form I needed for UAMS. I'd just gotten on I-67/167, at the Kiehl entrance ramp. It was raining, and I hit that area of construction where the wall barrier is on your right, and there's a barrier on the left, with no drainage. And I felt my car hydroplane. On brand new tires. The guy that pulled over said there must have been oil on the road.

The barrier was right there -- my front right bumper hit the barrier. The water caused me to make a 360 spin, which I turned into, knowing that's the best way to pull out of a spin (yea for driving skills), but of course there was no shoulder on the other side of the interstate either. Only a mud ditch and another barrier. The only extra room on the pavement was literally the distance of my foot from the line of the left lane to the end of the pavement. I was lucky no other cars were involved, because traffic was heavy on Sunday afternoon at 4:30. But I don't tailgate.

A guy pulled off the side of the road to make sure I was okay, and he ended up stuck in the ditch. An hour or so later, another guy did the same thing. I don't know why he pulled over, but he did. At the time of the accident, another woman on the interstate going the opposite direction had pulled over and jumped the barrier. She told me she thought I was dead, and I must have been wearing a seatbelt. I was, and only my back is sore from the spin. It's not overly comforting to hear, but there you go.

There was another wreck up the road -- three cars? Five? So the first policeman drove on after checking to make sure I was all right. The wrecker he called for us also kept driving -- he said he needed to be up there instead (a bitter voice in my head whispers that the commission was better up the road). A search and rescue guy came to the scene, and he said the road conditions weren't exactly legal -- the shoulder should have been larger, and gravel should have been placed on the road's edge, where Lance was huddled in misery. My sister made it to the scene to make sure I was okay (I couldn't get a hold of Justin until later), and then my parents, who were driving by on their way home from Benton, got there as well, and sent my siblings off on an errand.

Finally, two hours later, maybe a bit more, another wrecker arrived at the scene. After the first man had been pulled out of the ditch, a state trooper arrived (the other policeman had told me to tell the wrecker to pull me off at the Redmond Road exit and meet him there -- I never heard from him again). The state trooper gave me a citation -- Too Fast for Conditions. He said he didn't want to give me the ticket, but he had to because he was required to give something, and nothing else qualified. He said he had relatives who had done the same thing, and it didn't mean I was a bad driver, and he was sorry, and I could appeal it. Meanwhile, my crumpled car is being pulled up onto the wrecker, with the cheerful "Just Married" lettering I had intended to wash off that day looking down at me.

I honestly don't think I deserve the citation, so I will have to get permission to arrive late to my rotation in late August to make the court date. (I was in the right lane, going under the speed limit, in an accident-waiting-to-happen area of the interstate construction, with no shoulders and poor drainage, and a car can hydroplane at ten miles per hour -- should I have really been going ten miles per hour on an interstate? Nope, that's illegal. The speed limit was 55 mph, and I wasn't going that. I was driving with the traffic in the slow lane, obviously not tailgating, because if I had, another car on the high-traffic interstate would have been involved. What else could I have done?) Meanwhile, I will wait for the estimate from Gwatney with regards to repairs, hoping that the car isn't totaled, because I just can't afford a new (for me) car right now. It doesn't look bad enough to be totaled, so I'll hope for the best. I'll set aside the money for the deductible on my insurance, hope that my premium doesn't go up too badly, cringe as the prices of school books come in, and hope for the best. Because, really, that's all you can do.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about San Antonio. I'm sorry to burst any bubbles, but no edible items or whips from the bachelorette party were involved. With regards to the rest of the things I received -- well, I guess that's between me and Justin, and if the givers really want to know, then they can ask. Offline, of course. *grins and winks*

And Justin and I, before the CPR training, went to the humane society on Sunday and brought home a dashingly handsome kitten. We've named him Helo. I'll post pictures when I load my picture software for my digital camera (a wedding gift from my parents) onto my computer.

...And now I'm married.

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 13:17:08 GMT

A lot has happened since my last post.

I ran a whole lot of errands and finished last-minute plans, mostly with my mom.

On Friday, I rushed back to Little Rock to meet Justin. We took back a duplicate set of pans -- a very nice set of pans -- and came back with a suitcase, a rice cooker and a pair of sandals. We debated the suitcase for a bit -- Justin wanted a set of pink suitcases, and I shuddered at the thought of dragging around pink luggage -- but when Justin fell in love with the rice cooker, he allowed me to select the suitcase. Then Matthew David Dalke came for lunch. We had a good time. After lunch at Popeye's, we went to kill time in the fancy mall by Pei Wei. Wes' plane was supposed to land at 2:25. Not long after, however, Wes called with a bit of a problem -- his flight had been cancelled. So he was going to fly to Dallas to make a different connecting flight, with a 4:15 arrival time.

Dalke went to sleep, Justin went swimming, Chase arrived, Lizzie arrived, Dalke woke up, the flight had been delayed several more times, and it was time for Justin and I to rush off to our pie run in Conway. So Chase rode with me, and Lizzie and Dalke stayed behind to pick up Wes, who by that time was turning to a rum and coke for solace.

The pie run was lots of fun. It wasn't quite the same as the pie runs of old (Wes, darlin', we missed you horribly), but we had a good time nonetheless. Even Holly, Shelby, Jim and Dylan made it, and they all had other plans. Even Brandon made it, who had to drive all the way from Huntsville (after a drive from Minnesota), and Jenn and Lance from Fayetteville, and Amber Wright, and Justin's friend Marlys, who I finally got to meet. And Lizzie and Dalke made it for a while, after Wes' flight had been delayed once again.

After the pie run, we all went our separate ways. Chase and I went back to Little Rock. We stopped by my place to grab everything I needed for the wedding, and then we went to stay at Lizzie's, with Dalke and the finally arrived Wesley Don Hennings. Then we rushed out to buy champagne -- an adventure in and of itself. Then we rushed back to my apartment to grab towels. Then we rushed back to Lizzie's, and stayed up making a wedding mix. And then we watched the newly-edited Scream Louder and Merry (sorry, Chase -- The Fabulous Journey). At this point, it was close to 2 am. That's when I went to bed. I was lying by Lizzie on her bed when Wes and Chase tried to keep us up, and Lizzie chastised them, and all was quiet.

Of course, when we woke up at 6:30 in the morning, we had to wake them up, too. Great fun.

After showering and eating a scrumptious breakfast, Lizzie and I left to go to my hair appointment. And to get Starbucks coffee, of course. Then we drove to Searcy to prepare for the wedding. It's mostly a blur. Lizzie and I left at one point to get a present. My dad walked me down the aisle. I had three get-away cars offered to me, four if you include Holly's offer of just stealing Justin and me away so that we could elope instead. My uncle sang. My brother played the piano. We posed for a lot of pictures...a lot. Justin danced with me for our first dance, and our parents cut in, and then Brandon cut in. Great fun. I danced with Jim, too. I didn't get to eat much. I did, however, get to entice Justin to take off my garter. Lance caught it. The flower lady forgot my throwing bouquet, but I threw a flower instead. Holly caught it. They good-spiritedly followed the tradition of the length of the marriage with how far the garter would go up the flower-catcher's leg. We ran out to bubbles, and we went back in, because it was posed, but fun nonetheless.

After the wedding, Justin and I joined a group of my friends for dinner. Justin's family ended up eating at the same place, so we got to say our farewells again. And I got to spend more time with my friends, all together. Each time, I wonder if maybe that will be the last time we all get together. I maintain hope, though. Because you never know what the future will hold.

And then, Justin and I drove our chalked car home.

I'm tired of updating. Perhaps I'll save San Antonio for another day.

Step 1...

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 02:50:04 GMT

...went well. Well, I guess, I don't really know. All I know is that it was really long. And in six weeks, we'll see how it went. *grins and winks*

Yesterday, I celebrated. I went to the Kavanaugh Starbucks...my favorite study haunt in town...with manga. I managed to make it through a shift change. All of the employees (and a regular) kept asking in a surprised tone, "You're not studying?"

Then I'd grin and say, "Not today!"

It was such a liberating experience.

Afterwards, I went to visit Lizzie. She cooked me dinner. She's an angel. Then we went to the movie store and rented three really bad movies. One of them was a romantic comedy we had been advised against by a trustworthy source. One of them was a character study, and I hate character studies for the most part, but it was about a cholera epidemic. And the last was a made-for-TV Christmas movie.

I'll bet that last one made your eyebrows rise. One of my dear friends from high school, David Miller, was in it. I had to watch the whole movie to find him. But I got to that scene just as Justin arrived. So I was able to point out my best friend from high school. I tried to call him today, three times, but each time, the call failed. I don't know why. Every time I've tried to call him lately, I've run into failure. But never fear, I shall try again tomorrow.

But anyway, about the movies. Lizzie, my sister and I ended up attempting to watch the romantic comedy that wasn't romantic or a comedy. We threw popcorn at the screen instead, which Willow (Lizzie's cat) proceeded to eat. And I got lots of telephone calls.

One of my bridesmaids had a family emergency, so she is unfortunately unable to make it to the wedding this weekend. So I frantically called one of my dear friends and asked if she would like to be a bridesmaid. She was ecstatic ("I've been promoted!" -- she was the guest book girl before). But she's one of my med school friends, and loan money is running tight over the summer, so I bought the top for her. I had tried to reserve a hotel room (with a jacuzzi!) for our wedding night, but I was unsuccessful. It's good, though, because I was able to divert the money I was going to spend on that toward the top instead. Balancing is very good. And we'll be flying to San Antonio the next day on our honeymoon anyway, so a wedding night hotel room would have been a wasted expense. Instead, Justin and I can put on the comforter and sheet set that Justin and I received as wedding gifts on our bed, and we can spend our first night together on the bedding set we picked out together. A much more fitting ending to a (hopefully) perfect day.

I've pretty much failed at everything I attempted today, except for finding my new bridesmaid a top. I was going to get a new cell phone, but they wouldn't give me a discount on a phone unless I added a $10 (minimum) media plan every month, even though I would be signing a new 2-year contract. I don't want the media plan. I don't want text-messaging, or phone internet minutes. I just want to be able to call people. And I can't justify an extra $10 a month toward my cell phone service right now. And I'm sure not going to pay over a hundred dollars for a phone I could probably get elsewhere for cheaper. My contract is up in August, so I might be phone company-shopping. I like Cingular, but now they're the new AT&T, the bastards, and they only try to screw people over. I'm anti-them at the moment. And now that Justin will be living here, we don't need to unlimited mobile-to-mobile minutes. We'll see what happens.

I was going to buy two books and a wedding decoration today. I failed at both errands, because I realized I should wait until I had a discount on one book, wait until the other book is out on paperback (I've been waiting on it for years, none of the others have come out in hardback!), and look for a decoration that actually matches the decor of the wedding. I was going to surprise Justin with sparkling grape juice for his birthday/first day as a barrista and my step-is-over, but he saw it in the refrigerator. I was going to reserve the hotel room, and that fell through. I was going to schedule a hair appointment, but apparently I already scheduled it months ago and just forgot about it. I was going to call David, and I never could get through. But despite the failures, I had a good day. No studying. And I got to see Justin.

I don't think Friday will get here fast enough.

Friday, my friends start arriving, and the festivities will begin.

But I'm looking forward to Thursday, too, because on Thursday, I get to see my grandmother.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 00:54:24 GMT

Today I felt like myself again.

Tomorrow is my exam. I almost couldn't go to sleep last night because I was so giddy. It's almost over. It's almost over. I've almost finished it.

A week from yesterday, I will be married. A week from today, I will be on my honeymoon. I saw my dad this morning, on this, Father's Day. The barrista at the coffee shop asked how I was doing. And I told her, "I saw my father on Father's Day. What more could I ask for?" Today is a good day.

I saw Justin yesterday, the day before his birthday. Today, today is Justin's birthday. He's 22 years old, today.

Tomorrow the exam is over. But today was mine. Sherri called me this morning and said she was mine to do with as I needed. Notecards, review, movie-watching, whatever, the day was mine. So after I parted ways with my family, who was on their way to a family get-together in Benton, I went to the Kavanaugh Starbucks to study one more day. Jon came for a time, before he made the decision to take the day off. We studied until 4 pm. At that point, Sherri and I escaped away. We went shopping, we went gabbing. We went to dinner. And then, I dropped her off at her car and came home. And I watched The Fountain.

I wish I could make every person watch, understand and love the movie as much as I do. I see myself in that film. I see the human condition. Only a person who has grieved, I believe, can truly understand the film. Life is full circle. Life is eternity. Life is death. Everything is interconnected. And at the essence of grief is fear. Fear for our loved ones. Fear of dying. But death...Death is the Road to Awe. Death follows life, just as life precedes death. Life becomes death. But death is not an ending. We search our whole lives, seeking that one truth. What is life? What is death? They are the same. They are different roads...they are the same road...to truth. To awe.

Today I am me. And tomorrow, I am me as well. This Saturday, I will be me. And Justin is me, too. I will take him with me, and he will take me with him. And when death comes, we will live on, in each other. And in life itself.

My grandmother is so strong. She continues on. She accepts life, just as she accepts everyone. She is the one person, of all the people I've ever met, who accepts everyone. She may not understand them, and she may even tell them so. But she always welcomes everyone with open arms. She is more alive than any person I've ever met. She never complains. She just keeps on.

My mom says I am like my grandmother. We may live in different worlds sometimes. But we love life, and we continue the journey, even when the path ahead is rough. It is a great compliment, to be compared to my grandmother. I wonder if people will love me as much as my grandmother is loved.

Emotional turmoil.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 15:34:25 GMT

I feel like this year has been a roller coaster of emotions.

Med school lends itself to this state quite well. It's hard to explain, though it's taken for granted by fellow med students. Take into account we're all over-achievers. We all want to do well, and punish ourselves internally when we don't meet our own standards. Unfortunately, we did not change those standards from all of our prior education to this, our med school education. It's hard to tackle the mass of material we are expected to take in. Massive tests at 2-3 week intervals. 25-30 lectures a week. Each lecture the equivalent of a week's lectures in undergrad, or perhaps more. It's hard to describe. So much information. It's hard to work under that pressure, and it never ends.

This eight-hour step exam is a continuation of that med school stress. An eight-hour exam period with seven hours worth of questions. You schedule your own breaks. You eat at the institution, within that eight-hour block. And any question in any topic we have been exposed to in our two years of education may appear on this exam, only at an application level which we've hardly ever experienced. It's rough. Especially when you have to change your study tactics continuously just to keep up. It's doable. It's just kind of wearying.

Getting married is a joyous occasion. So many happy things. But so much stress. When people express their concerns or their dissatisfaction at this decision, it's hard, especially for someone like me, who is at heart a people-pleaser. Making arrangements, scheduling meetings, trying to get some idea of how the event will run...all exciting, sure, but stressful. So many happy times -- planning table decorations, escaping away to Fayetteville for bachelorette parties. I almost screwed myself over on the Step 1, because I wanted to attend that bachelorette party so bad. But then my med school friends told me I could do both, simultaneously, and it'd be okay. And it was. Getting married is a sequence of constant highs, constant lows. It's a stressful event, and such an important step should be stressful. You should really be confident you're doing the right thing, because you are about to devote your life to this decision. You are making decisions for the future, serious decisions that could either be the best decision of your life, or cause great grief for all people involved. You have to decide that this relationship is supportive and long-lasting. You have to be willing to make sacrifices, with the hope that those sacrifices will make both of your lives richer and more fulfilling. This is the gamble we have chosen to make -- out of love.

For the first time, I'm pretty confident about Step 1. I am pretty sure I'm going to pass. It's an arrogant statement, perhaps, especially based on one practice set. But truthful, I believe. I honestly think I'll pass. I don't know how well, and frankly, I don't really care. It was important enough to me to push back, because it means a lot. It should be taken seriously, because this medical education should be taken seriously. For that, I have studied more hours than I wish to contemplate, because I do take my education seriously...more seriously than is perhaps sometimes wise.

But more important things are concerning my thoughts right now.

I'm sure most of you remember about my grandmother. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December. They did an amazing surgery in January, and for a while, we had high hopes. But, well, I knew the statistics. I knew the common presentations, and the common course. So I watched, and waited.

Her cancer came back. She has gone through one round of chemo. I've attended doctors visits, I've waited in the hospital chairs. I've done more research, trying my best to learn as much as I could. Too much, perhaps.

She's beat the statistics in many ways. She's fought on, and she's beat the average. She's been on experimental meds, and she's fought hard.

They've decided to stop the chemo. The chemo is doing more harm than good at this point. It can't cure the cancer. It can only keep her normal cells at a subpar state.

I found this out the night before last.

It's a hard time right now. So many stresses. Even minor stresses. Even happy stresses. And especially the most stressful stresses. The kind that cause your stomach to tie up in knots.

I've been high strung for a long time now. Please forgive me. I'm trying hard, I really am. I know that sometimes I snap when I normally don't snap. I'm just tired. I know I don't always appear to be 100% there in a conversation. I may not seem as appreciative for all the wonderful things so many people do for me on a daily basis. Please forgive me. I am so grateful for everything, and I hope you all know how much you mean to me. I'm trying so hard. So please be patient. I know my eyes don't glow like they do when I'm at my happiest. That doesn't mean I'm not happy. I'm just preoccupied. They'll get better soon.

Please be patient with me. I love you all.

Chiggers, bachelorette parties, scary tests, potential moves, and weddings...all on the horizon.

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 19:52:51 GMT

The curious incident of the chigger bites.

Did you know that chiggers liquefy your flesh? Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen, they liquefy it with digestive enzymes so they can eat you. Thats why you have that bump with a chigger bite -- it's not the chigger (they're too small, but hey, they're still alive and burrowing for a few days), but a rock that develops when the liquefied flesh hardens again.

You may wonder why I know this. It all started last Saturday when I helped Lizzie move. One of my study buddies gave the adage, "A good deed never goes unpunished." I've since heard this is a quote from Wicked. But anyway, Lizzie now lives next to the Arkansas river. Matthew Dalke and I decided to walk up the well-mowed and maintained levy to look down at the river. Little did we know that in that short, green grass was an army of chiggers, waiting patiently to attack. I didn't notice the chigger bites until that evening. When my ankles started to swell.

Apparently I have a heightened sensitivity to chigger bites. Because, oh, no, I can't have chigger bites like normal people. They have to be the chigger bites from hell.

So I made it until Monday. The bites had become monstrous things. I couldn't concentrate. It hurt to walk. So I tossed on a skirt and headed to USA Drug, and begged them to help me. They didn't believe they were chigger bites at first. But after I pointed out that I was wearing jeans and socks and tennis shoes when I was attacked, and that mosquitos didn't bite you upwards of forty times on your ankles and knees, they finally admitted that I might be somewhat knowledgeable, being Arkansas born-and-bred and all.

A little pharmacy student was assigned to help me. It was her first day on the job. At first, she started looking in a book. She said she was from UAMS...I said I was from UAMS...she started to look in the taenia section for treatment for chigger bites, and I was like, umm, honey, chiggers are not fungi. (She was sweet, though.) So she went to the pharmacist in charge to get the right treatment. She then asked if she could write a case study on me, and I was like...umm, boring case study, but sure.

She called later to ask for more information, and she described the entire process of the chiggers to me. She thought I would think it was cool, since I was a med student. Blech. But now I know. And I killed those burrowing chiggers. BLECH. I am a fan of Chiggerex.

I woke up the next day at 5:30 in the morning from the itching bites. My feet were swollen with non-pitting pedal edema. It hurt to walk. So I spent the day hobbling, and I went back to the pharmacy to buy Benadryl. I can only take it at night (that whole step studying and all), but it's been great. My feet are no longer double their normal size. This is a good thing. My parents saw me yesterday, and they said if they had seen it when I had first gotten them, they would have sent me to the doctor. I told them I was glad I didn't see them, because there was no way I was going to pay a doctor to tell me I had chigger bites and to take a benadryl. Well, she might have offered a steroid shot. But, umm, no.

Is it bad that the first thing I thought was, I hope they heal in time for the wedding?

The rest of the title line.

So I spent more time on chiggers than I expected. So I'll try to cram the rest in a few sentences. Bachelorette party is this weekend. I've been looking forward to it for months. Unfortunately, a lot of people have had to back out at the last minute. I hope we all still have a good time. I'm sure we will. Jenn's been planning for months. I am only taking a few note cards with me. Really. Honest. We're leaving in like two hours. I should really pack. I think Jenn is planning paper-binding and hikes, sounds way fun. Sherri says in August, after her step exam and trip home, we shall have to play a board game shaped like a penis, so she can join in the celebration with a post-wedding no-more-bachelorette extravaganza. This has me a bit concerned. She said something about a penis veil.

The Test is quickly approaching. A week from Monday. I'm very scared. Again.

We might have to move out of our townhouse. I had to step over a dying cockroach (dying from stuff Justin had sprayed, not the apartment complex) in my entryway to leave the apartment the day before yesterday. And what did I find, folded in half, practically in the flowerbed beside my front door (taping would have been way too time consuming)? A notice that rent is increasing $25/month. This pretty much pissed me off. For one thing, it's not worth it in this neighborhood. You could practically rent a house for that. But more importantly, I asked the apartment manager when I was moving in if she thought the rent would increase. She said no, but she would work with me if it did and change the lease. So I signed a six-month lease. This lease will be up when I'm in surgery, of all rotations. I can't move during surgery. It costs a month's rent to break the lease -- $675, more than the increase in two years' time. So we are considering transferring to a one bedroom apartment here. Still expensive, and more than it's worth in this neighborhood. But over a hundred dollars less than what we are paying now, before the rent increase. Honestly, I liked the one-bedroom better. So we'll see.

And weddings. In less than a week after my uber-scary exam, I will be a "Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady." I don't know what to think about this. I haven't had time to process it yet. I still have two invitations to send out. We might have to move again. We still haven't finished writing our vows. I still have a list with like a dozen to-dos. My friends are coming and/or flying into town, so that we can all travel to a different one for the wedding. And Justin and I will be flying away ourselves, off to San Antonio. I don't even know what to do with my hair! I haven't even finished purchasing the vases that Joey is etching! Ack.

But those are worries for later. Right now, I shall worry about packing. And making a zillion more notecards. One step at a time. And maybe, somewhere amidst the above, I shall find time to post and update again.

PS -- Battlestar Galactica lovers -- the series has announced only one more season left. They want to go out on top. So season 4, beginning in January 2008, will be their last. So says the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.